Sitting down for drinks with girlfriends will likely end up in a conversation about what ideal qualities we want in a boyfriend/fiancee/husband. While I’m not sure that guys really sit around and chat about this over drinks, I know it’s something everyone thinks about and thought it would be interesting to cover in a blog entry this week since who doesn’t want to talk about finding the perfect match?
Fact: We want what we want. We have a laundry list of “ideal perfect qualities” that someone who is lucky enough to date us will possess. Some of these are fun and superficial (“must have washboard abs”), some are practical (“must have a job”) and some are just because we know are qualities that mesh well with our own needs (“must love country music” or “must love dogs”).
I read something today that sparked me to thinking of these in a slightly different way. I was challenged to think of the “flaws” I would ideally like to have in a significant other. We can’t all be perfect, and sometimes these imperfections are what actually make the relationship deep and meaningful. It’s hte imperfections that you don’t just tolerate, but end up loving.
Here was my stab at 5 flaws that I would embrace:
1. Imperfection #1: He’s Pushy
I know me – I can’t make decisions. If you ask where I want to go to dinner or if I want to move to Alaska, the answer always takes an agonizing amount of time. Instead of wanting a guy to just be decisive, I want a guy who will not let me off the hook for making decisions. I want him to stay on me about the decision and commiting to it.
This also applies to my lack of outward emotion. Pushy guys won’t let you just get away with saying “I’m fine…” or responding in short one word answers. They will nag you until you explain or go into more detail. In some ways this appears as demanding, or pushy, but sometimes it’s just what I need.
2. Imperfection #2: He’s not sorry
In my book, “I’m sorry” is overused. We often say it when we aren’t just because we think we should. It ends up not carrying meaning if it’s used for every little situation.
Don’t apologize for being yourself. I want to know the real you. You watched and cried at “The Notebook?” Not worthy of an apology. You want to wear that ridiculous Super Mario Brothers graphic tee to the bar? It may not be my favorite, but don’t apologize for your fashion choices. Don’t apologize for being eccentric or for your personality. I picked you for a reason….if I can’t handle the quirks, that’s my problem…not yours to apologize for.
Be sorry when you make me cry. Be sorry when you forget my birthday or really fuck something up. Be sorry when you really mean it. That way I know it’s not something you take lightly and toss around.
Imperfection #3: He moves slow
Facebook reminds me on a daily basis that my friends are getting into committed relationships, getting married, having kids. Facebook also does a pretty good job of highlighting my friends getting divorced and writing out sloppy, sappy breakup statuses. Therefore, I can appreciate a guy who wants to move slow. As I get older, I don’t expect things to move faster – I expect things to move in the right direction. While it may be confusing for awhile that I won’t know where we stand or what “this” will end up being, taking your time makes me feel like you want to do it right.
Commitment is scary and doing things differently than what the norm is can be a great sign of what the future may hold. I don’t mind a slow, forward-moving approach. Just make sure it’s moving, the speed is irrelevant at this point.
Imperfection #4: He’s overly emotional (by guy standards)
Guys have to be super macho and have no feelings. They can’t cry… they can’t tell you how they feel… they have to be stronger for the girl. So because this is considered an “imperfection” by society’s standards, I embrace it (I don’t agree with it) and that’s why it made my list.
I have a hard time being emotionally available sometimes. I hide my feelings, I can’t always communicate my feelings. I am envious of that kind of man who can wear his heart on his sleeve. It’s brave, it’s sexy and it ultimately makes for better relationships. I think for me, this is a good compliment to my personality.
Imperfection #5: He has to be Superman
Women sure love to be independent these days. Do I feel accomplished when I can change my own tire or figure out how to navigate a big, new city on my own? Hell yes. I love knowing I can do that on my own.
Let’s face it though, I need a lot of rescuing. Yesterday, I was going to use paint thinner ON MY OWN BODY to remove paint (crisis averted). I’ve left my interior car light on and had a dead battery… I’ve lost my dog at 10pm at night… I’ve blown countless fuses… I’ve needed to be picked up when I’ve been scared…Too many glasses of wine and I need a ride… I can’t figure out how to get something to work… I’ve started small fires. I might as well wear a sign sometimes that says “Rescue Me!”
I like that guys can and want to do things to save the day. I don’t care if they break things or screw things up worse than they were to start – A for effort. While I can do it on my own because I often have to, I always appreciate someone helping, or attempting to help.
There’s my five… I’m sure they are different for every one which is the very neat thing about doing this – everyone will find different “flaws” that they really want to embrace.
It means that there is someone out there who will love your imperfections perfectly.